Birthday

This is a hard one for me. I want it to be so perfect. But try as I will I don't think I can help you understand how I felt. My intentions with this blog is to not only journal my thoughts but to share with you, a friend or stranger, my experiences. Today I would love to share with you my daughters birthday.

Our second child was one that was planned. After Austyn turned a year old we knew it was time for another. When we found out I was pregnant we were ecstatic and hoped it would be a girl so Austyn would have a sister. Then the time came to find out and the little baby that was growing inside me was indeed a little girl. 

My pregnancy was a normal one. Nauseous in the first trimester, feeling great in the second trimester and miserable in third. During my pregnancy we had made a move to a wonderful neighborhood which meant a new ward (thank goodness). This move couldn't have come at a better time. Since we were having another girl there wasn't very much preparing to do. But that didn't dull our excitement at all.

When I think back to last year around this time I remember feeling anxious and extremely uncomfortable. I wanted to be done and was so sick of being pregnant. We wanted to meet this little girl. Would she have big brown eyes like Austyn? Would she be just as small as her sister? Would she like to be bounced to sleep? I just wanted to see her, hold her and love her. I was sick of the kicks in the ribs and constant trips to the bathroom at night.

That night an overwhelming feeling came over me and I began to panic. I was at home with Austyn and Henna was watching our nephews waiting for his brother and wife at their house. I had called Henna telling him I needed to go to the hospital because I hadn't felt her move. He called a friend of his and his brother's to come over and watch the boys. He rushed home. The look on his face is one I will never forget. It had worry and fear. I kissed him good bye and as I walked to the car he said, "Everything is alright. Call me when you get there." I got into the car and hurried to the hospital which luckily Cedar is so small I was there within 5 minutes.

As I walked up to labor and delivery I saw a familiar face, our bishop's wife. I explained that I hadn't felt my baby move. She expressed how she would be concerned as well and told me she would hook me up to monitors. Soon enough she was moving the monitor around my belly for what seemed like forever. My heart was racing as she told me that her machine wasn't very good and maybe the ultrasound tech's would be better. I had called Henna telling him he needed to be at the hospital with me. It was around 12 o'clock at night when Henna had called a friend, that lived just down the street, to see if he could come over to watch Austyn. He had ran barefoot over to our house so there was no delay in Henna getting to the hospital. Once Henna arrived soon after the ultrasound tech came in with her machine and began to look. It was probably 10 minutes of her moving the monitor around. Henna and I were in great anticipation. She looked up at the other two nurses, our bishop's wife and the accompanying nurse, and asked, "Could you not find a heartbeat?" She shook her head no. I will never forget the remorse on their faces as I made them repeat their answer with my question, "You couldn't find a heartbeat?"

In that moment in time not just me but both Henna and I broke. The weight on my chest was heavy as I gasped for air. I held onto Henna both of us sinking into one another. I felt as if I had fallen straight on my back, knocking the wind out of me.

When my certified nursing midwife, our dear friend, came in she cried with us. She and her husband took care of us while we were in Cedar City so when she came it felt like a support of a mother for both of us. Soon after Henna's brother came in ready to give me a priesthood blessing with Henna. I am ever so grateful for that blessing of strength and  helping me to be mindful of Heavenly Fathers plan.

We had decided that I get an epidural and that made such a difference. It had made the delivery calm. So calming to us that we forgot that we were waiting for a baby girl with no cry. 

She was immediately passed to me. She was so beautiful and so perfect. 

I am not sure what the harder thing was delivering and knowing that we would not hear a cry or holding her and knowing we would have to say good bye. 

Now I don't want you to be mistaken about this post it is not so much remorse but only celebrating her. What made Payton's birthday so beautiful was that we were able to see our Savior's love. We were able to see those close friends and family around us show how much they loved us. It is through action when you know someone cares for you. 

As I write this and reminisce that day I definitely feel sad and wish she was here. I hope you were able to notice like I have how well planned out Heavenly Father does things. He made sure we were a part of a supportive community and a ward that made sure to show their love. A special someone standing near when bad news was given. Friends that will come to help at a drop of a hat no matter how late. Having motherly support from an outstanding CNM. Being able to receive blessings from my husband and his brother.  

I knew we were loved but until Payton's birthday I was then aware of how loved. 

As I wrote this post I realized how much my Heavenly Father loves me. He loves me so much to bless our family with an angel, outstanding friends and family, and because of Payton we now have Kannon. Heavenly Father really does work in mysterious ways. Today was a day filled with plenty of tears. We miss her so much and can't wait for that day to reunite with her. She is a daily reminder of how I should be living my life if I want to be with her again. As hard as this was I know that it will one day be so minuscule once we are with her.

Often my thoughts go back to her birthday and the day we said our good byes. I remember looking in the congregation every spot was taken including the doorway, the isles and the foyer. I am eternally grateful for those who stood by us when we needed it the most. We have great family but I think what is even harder to find are outstanding friends. Through that troubled time I had a hard time being upset at my situation because of all the love I had felt. It is because of all of you my family and friends we were able to get through this and continue to work through it. You were an instrument of our Heavenly Father and I thank you for accepting His request.

Payton Lupeautino is my second child and daughter. I miss her every second of everyday. I hoped that it would get easier as time goes on. I dont think it will and I am ok with that. Happy Birthday my sweetheart. I love you more than you will ever know.

xoxo, The Brown Girl

Undeserving

                  He loves you today. 

This statement spoke to me loud and clear. There are days where all I can ask is "how did I deserve these beautiful blessings?"

My past isn't the greatest. When others say they don't regret anything, all I can think of is all the things I would change. I hate my past and am embarrassed of the  choices I made. The past that I have is so dark that memories of it creep into my daily thoughts. I begin to feel disgusted that I was ever that person and wish I had a better idea of my worth.  I think that would have saved me from a lot of heartache and picking up the pieces. 

There are days that pass and I feel completely undeserving. And one of those days was last week before the Women's Meeting I attended on Saturday. 

The two couldn't have come at a better time. I enjoyed the entire meeting and there were things that were advised that I need to make sure I am doing. But the one that stood out most to me was a talk given by Pres. Uchtdorf. He was reminding us that no matter who we are today, where we are in our spiritual development He loves us. He wants us to choose what is best for us and the only way we can do this is by following Him and His teachings. He is wanting to shower us with blessings but our "fear doubt and sin, like an umbrella is keeping those blessings from reaching us." Keeping the commandments He has given us is not just "a list of good ideas" but the ONLY stepping stones to something a lot bigger and extremely better than what we planned out. With keeping the commandments we are able to better understand our divine purpose. Our Heavenly Father loves us no matter the circumstance. He celebrates our victories and He is there listening to our pleas for help and making sure we recieve it. He knows when we "have held on to the fading light" because He makes sure we have tools and people that love us.  His love is truly forgiving. I know this to be true because of all that I have.  

My doubt had gotten the best of me. Telling me that what I have I don't deserve when really Heavenly Father gives us what we exactly deserve. I can only imagine when being exactly obedient to His commandments the blessings I will receive. I am not perfect or proclaiming that I am, only that I am trying to be more like our Savior and understanding my divine calling. I love this gospel with all my heart. It has saved me and blessed me with amazing people, things and lessons. So if you, like me ever feel like you are undeserving of the blessings you have in your life remember that He would never give us anything we didn't deserve.  You earned it and no hard work will go unnoticed by our Heavenly Father. I love you all and hope you get just as much inspiration as I did from this General Women's Meeting! 

XO, The Brown Girl