Dancing Queen

Austyn Mataele Brown my oldest daughter. She is absolutely perfect even when she is crying and kicking on the floor. I am so thankful for her. She brightens my day with compliments like "I am so proud of you", "I missed you" (yes I count this as one bc she always wants to be with mom and when she says she misses me it only means that she wants me), "good girl", "you are so very pretty" and "I love you so much". 

As she gets older she surprises me with the remarks that she makes like, "wassup nigga?!" The way she talks to Kannon in an even higher pitched voice and has conversations with him. The way she picks things up if it is a mess. The way she dances around and thoroughly enjoys herself. The way she cries for things that she wants (the passion is there).  I could go on forever about how amazing she is and how she amazes me but what I have come to notice each birthday is how quickly time flies. 

So often I find myself wishing for my day at work to go by quicker. Or for it to be next year when henna graduates so we can move out. Or even wishing it to be 1 o'clock so she can go down for a nap. It's easier said than done but wishing time away needs to stop. Never can we be satisfied with the present thinking we will be with the future when come to find out we are satisfied by memories of the past. If only we enjoyed that time and maybe it would leave less regret or longing to go back. 

Austyn and Kannon are growing as each minute passes. I really wish they could stay this small forever. So innocent and sweet. The I love yous and I miss yous may be short lived. Those sweet words of "I am so proud of you. " are heart turning. Do I think she knows what it means to be proud of someone? I'm not sure. But what I do know is that everything we do she admires and she loves me and sees me as my Creator sees me, perfect. 

She has such a sweet heart and is so in tune with others and their feelings. She reminds me to be in the moment. To be in the moment of her screaming and crying to watch one more show. Those moments are extremely hard I must add but sometimes I am patient and somehow keep my cool. But other days I really need to remember to cherish each moment as it passes because each is special. It's hard to know I will never get them back. 

I am beyond thankful for Austyn. She has made my life so colorful. She makes me smile with the way she loves to dance and sing to Dora and Friends oh and you can't forget Sophia! She makes my eyes water with the way she strokes my face and tells me she loves me. She makes my heart turn every time she greets me when I get home with a great big hug and an I miss you. She makes me proud when she says her prayers all on her own. Her example has such a great impact on me. My life is so rich because of this little girl. I love her with all my heart  . Happy Birthday Austyn 😘

Birthday

This is a hard one for me. I want it to be so perfect. But try as I will I don't think I can help you understand how I felt. My intentions with this blog is to not only journal my thoughts but to share with you, a friend or stranger, my experiences. Today I would love to share with you my daughters birthday.

Our second child was one that was planned. After Austyn turned a year old we knew it was time for another. When we found out I was pregnant we were ecstatic and hoped it would be a girl so Austyn would have a sister. Then the time came to find out and the little baby that was growing inside me was indeed a little girl. 

My pregnancy was a normal one. Nauseous in the first trimester, feeling great in the second trimester and miserable in third. During my pregnancy we had made a move to a wonderful neighborhood which meant a new ward (thank goodness). This move couldn't have come at a better time. Since we were having another girl there wasn't very much preparing to do. But that didn't dull our excitement at all.

When I think back to last year around this time I remember feeling anxious and extremely uncomfortable. I wanted to be done and was so sick of being pregnant. We wanted to meet this little girl. Would she have big brown eyes like Austyn? Would she be just as small as her sister? Would she like to be bounced to sleep? I just wanted to see her, hold her and love her. I was sick of the kicks in the ribs and constant trips to the bathroom at night.

That night an overwhelming feeling came over me and I began to panic. I was at home with Austyn and Henna was watching our nephews waiting for his brother and wife at their house. I had called Henna telling him I needed to go to the hospital because I hadn't felt her move. He called a friend of his and his brother's to come over and watch the boys. He rushed home. The look on his face is one I will never forget. It had worry and fear. I kissed him good bye and as I walked to the car he said, "Everything is alright. Call me when you get there." I got into the car and hurried to the hospital which luckily Cedar is so small I was there within 5 minutes.

As I walked up to labor and delivery I saw a familiar face, our bishop's wife. I explained that I hadn't felt my baby move. She expressed how she would be concerned as well and told me she would hook me up to monitors. Soon enough she was moving the monitor around my belly for what seemed like forever. My heart was racing as she told me that her machine wasn't very good and maybe the ultrasound tech's would be better. I had called Henna telling him he needed to be at the hospital with me. It was around 12 o'clock at night when Henna had called a friend, that lived just down the street, to see if he could come over to watch Austyn. He had ran barefoot over to our house so there was no delay in Henna getting to the hospital. Once Henna arrived soon after the ultrasound tech came in with her machine and began to look. It was probably 10 minutes of her moving the monitor around. Henna and I were in great anticipation. She looked up at the other two nurses, our bishop's wife and the accompanying nurse, and asked, "Could you not find a heartbeat?" She shook her head no. I will never forget the remorse on their faces as I made them repeat their answer with my question, "You couldn't find a heartbeat?"

In that moment in time not just me but both Henna and I broke. The weight on my chest was heavy as I gasped for air. I held onto Henna both of us sinking into one another. I felt as if I had fallen straight on my back, knocking the wind out of me.

When my certified nursing midwife, our dear friend, came in she cried with us. She and her husband took care of us while we were in Cedar City so when she came it felt like a support of a mother for both of us. Soon after Henna's brother came in ready to give me a priesthood blessing with Henna. I am ever so grateful for that blessing of strength and  helping me to be mindful of Heavenly Fathers plan.

We had decided that I get an epidural and that made such a difference. It had made the delivery calm. So calming to us that we forgot that we were waiting for a baby girl with no cry. 

She was immediately passed to me. She was so beautiful and so perfect. 

I am not sure what the harder thing was delivering and knowing that we would not hear a cry or holding her and knowing we would have to say good bye. 

Now I don't want you to be mistaken about this post it is not so much remorse but only celebrating her. What made Payton's birthday so beautiful was that we were able to see our Savior's love. We were able to see those close friends and family around us show how much they loved us. It is through action when you know someone cares for you. 

As I write this and reminisce that day I definitely feel sad and wish she was here. I hope you were able to notice like I have how well planned out Heavenly Father does things. He made sure we were a part of a supportive community and a ward that made sure to show their love. A special someone standing near when bad news was given. Friends that will come to help at a drop of a hat no matter how late. Having motherly support from an outstanding CNM. Being able to receive blessings from my husband and his brother.  

I knew we were loved but until Payton's birthday I was then aware of how loved. 

As I wrote this post I realized how much my Heavenly Father loves me. He loves me so much to bless our family with an angel, outstanding friends and family, and because of Payton we now have Kannon. Heavenly Father really does work in mysterious ways. Today was a day filled with plenty of tears. We miss her so much and can't wait for that day to reunite with her. She is a daily reminder of how I should be living my life if I want to be with her again. As hard as this was I know that it will one day be so minuscule once we are with her.

Often my thoughts go back to her birthday and the day we said our good byes. I remember looking in the congregation every spot was taken including the doorway, the isles and the foyer. I am eternally grateful for those who stood by us when we needed it the most. We have great family but I think what is even harder to find are outstanding friends. Through that troubled time I had a hard time being upset at my situation because of all the love I had felt. It is because of all of you my family and friends we were able to get through this and continue to work through it. You were an instrument of our Heavenly Father and I thank you for accepting His request.

Payton Lupeautino is my second child and daughter. I miss her every second of everyday. I hoped that it would get easier as time goes on. I dont think it will and I am ok with that. Happy Birthday my sweetheart. I love you more than you will ever know.

xoxo, The Brown Girl

Undeserving

                  He loves you today. 

This statement spoke to me loud and clear. There are days where all I can ask is "how did I deserve these beautiful blessings?"

My past isn't the greatest. When others say they don't regret anything, all I can think of is all the things I would change. I hate my past and am embarrassed of the  choices I made. The past that I have is so dark that memories of it creep into my daily thoughts. I begin to feel disgusted that I was ever that person and wish I had a better idea of my worth.  I think that would have saved me from a lot of heartache and picking up the pieces. 

There are days that pass and I feel completely undeserving. And one of those days was last week before the Women's Meeting I attended on Saturday. 

The two couldn't have come at a better time. I enjoyed the entire meeting and there were things that were advised that I need to make sure I am doing. But the one that stood out most to me was a talk given by Pres. Uchtdorf. He was reminding us that no matter who we are today, where we are in our spiritual development He loves us. He wants us to choose what is best for us and the only way we can do this is by following Him and His teachings. He is wanting to shower us with blessings but our "fear doubt and sin, like an umbrella is keeping those blessings from reaching us." Keeping the commandments He has given us is not just "a list of good ideas" but the ONLY stepping stones to something a lot bigger and extremely better than what we planned out. With keeping the commandments we are able to better understand our divine purpose. Our Heavenly Father loves us no matter the circumstance. He celebrates our victories and He is there listening to our pleas for help and making sure we recieve it. He knows when we "have held on to the fading light" because He makes sure we have tools and people that love us.  His love is truly forgiving. I know this to be true because of all that I have.  

My doubt had gotten the best of me. Telling me that what I have I don't deserve when really Heavenly Father gives us what we exactly deserve. I can only imagine when being exactly obedient to His commandments the blessings I will receive. I am not perfect or proclaiming that I am, only that I am trying to be more like our Savior and understanding my divine calling. I love this gospel with all my heart. It has saved me and blessed me with amazing people, things and lessons. So if you, like me ever feel like you are undeserving of the blessings you have in your life remember that He would never give us anything we didn't deserve.  You earned it and no hard work will go unnoticed by our Heavenly Father. I love you all and hope you get just as much inspiration as I did from this General Women's Meeting! 

XO, The Brown Girl

Struggle for the Better

    Why must there be opposition in all things?! Honestly it drives me crazy when I do find myself going through something bitter I can't help but be bitter myself. But in the end when something is sweet it is that much sweeter because of the struggle you went through and can lead to a series of magnificent events. I would like to share with you an experience that is so close to my heart.

    We have been driving for days. I am convinced that we have been on this voyage for days and we will never reach our destination. Good thing there are windows because there is completely nothing to look at....Oh wait, there's a cow! And now, nothing but open farm land. So open all you can see is the horizon and nothing interrupting that perfect line where the earth ends. I look up at the few white clouds spotted in the blue sky. I close my eyes and drift back to sleep because who knows how long we will be driving for.
    I wake up to an abrupt stop. I try to gain focus and realize that we are back with civilization! Yes, there was an end to our voyage. Finally we are here and I dont know what to do with myself. I begin to feel anxious. I get up and out of the car to grab my things. My mom and aunt follow and we start to unload the car. I have no idea where to go and somehow I end up across the street giving my name for my room so I am able to have my keys to get into my dorm room. As I make my way back to my mom and aunt we begin bringing my things up to my room. This is so exciting and it's really happening; Im going to college.
   After everything had settled down and my mom had helped me get everything ready from organizing my room to running to the store for supplies it was time for good bye. This is so surreal, Im saying good bye to my mom for 4 months. My mom is hysterical. I give her a hug and tell her I love her and say good bye. As I walked up to my room I lose it and it hits me all at once that I am on my own. I pull myself together and immediately I grow excited because the next few months are going to be spectacular!

3 weeks later

   I walk through the double doors leading into the hall way of the chapel. I plop down onto the coach and I look down at my phone; Mom, call. Mom I want to come home. I have no friends, I am completely alone. I start to cry. This whole experience is nothing that I thought it would be. Teisa, you need to stick it out for another few months it will get better. We talk for another 30 minutes, I calm down and I get up from the couch and start to walk back to my dorm. I have never felt so alone. There is one time I recall feeling alone but I was still living at home and had my mom there to help me through that horrible experience. At this moment in time I literally am alone with no one here physically. There is something about knowing that there is someone physically there with you that gives you so much comfort. I am slipping into depression and there is no one to help pull me out. 

     At that moment if I knew everything that I would gain from sticking it out there is no way I would have cried. There is no way I would have felt desperate to go home. I would not have cared that I was alone for such a short time. Being alone for those 3 short weeks later gave me an eternal family, lifetime friends, precious memories and incredible experiences that will forever leave a deep impression on my soul. Cedar City is a place that is so special to me. When I decided to go to school at Southern Utah University I had no intention of living there, marrying and starting a family there. Making friends were on my agenda but not expecting to make ones that I know will last a life time. Its incredible to me how the choices you make may put you through misery and in that moment you think that your world is over but when you stick it out with faith it makes the journey through misery do able and you come out winning. 

    Going through misery is part of life but so is experiencing joy. The beauty of life is being able to look back at all your struggle and realize everything you have now because of it. I love that thought. I love that we are able to receive better things then what we planned but of course there is a price just like everything else. To receive better things we need to experience hardships and pain because without it I dont think we would be as grateful. Now this experience is so small but the things that have followed weigh so much. I am so thankful for opposition because if I did not go through misery I would not know happiness.

The Brown Girl

A Daddy Wrote a Letter

    Recently I was scrolling through Pinterest and I came across a wonderful pin "A Daddy Wrote a Letter to His Daughter". I instantly clicked, intrigued with what this letter entailed. He wrote of an experience where he and his wife came across an article on a Google search entitled "How To Keep Him Interested". I realized where this letter was going and was very excited to read the rest. I won't spoil it because I would love for you to read it. Of course while I was reading this letter I could only think of Austyn and our future daughters. If you have a daughter I think you can relate and possibly had the thought cross your mind: how do I teach my daughter to be virtuous? And realize her self worth? I believe that it is so important to teach her that "She is more precious than rubies; and all the things thou canst desire are not to be compared to her" (proverbs 3:15). 

    There is something about girls that have precious in their description. Based on how these precious souls have been raised or treated growing up plays a huge role on what kind of decisions they make. I want not only Austyn but Kannon as well to understand how important and highly favored a women's worth is. A women's worth; is it highly favored by you, do you have a good definition of it, have you even bothered to care? Well I think that every women is different and maybe even has her own definition of what a women's worth is. All I hope is that you know your worth is unmeasurable and that you deserve the best. I hope that you are treated well by those around you and most importantly that you are treating those with love and compassion. That is beauty: lifting other women up and helping empower them because there is nothing more ugly then someone putting another down. 

    As women lets make sure to empower one another and remind each other what we are worth. We are worthy of time, respect and love; pure love. A love that is kind and unconditional. We deserve everything great and so do our men. We need to put out respect in order to receive respect. Please dont read this thinking that I am placing women higher then men because we are all equal. We need to remind one another that a little one is watching and that we are setting an example of love. We are telling them with our actions how we can become worthy and what we are worthy of. I believe that by our examples we are able to bring up virtuous young women and we will be able to teach our young men respect. If there was one thing I would want my daughter to understand it would be found in Proverbs 3:15 because there is nothing more beautiful than a virtuous young woman who understands her worth and will not settle for anything less then a pure love.

The Brown Girl

Precious Gifts

    Children are so precious. They are so helpless and they depend on us to take care of them wether we are competent or not. Henna comes home from work quite often with things to tell me about patients he saw throughout the day. Today he came home telling me about a little boy and his parents and it really hit home for me. Now this little boy is about 4 months old and was admitted to Primary Children's because he is "failure to thrive". He was in this category because he supposedly wouldn't eat. Now what had hit home to me was what Henna had to say about his parents. His parents were teenagers and didn't seem very stressed that their son was in the hospital. When doctors or nurses would come in to educate them they would back with a glaze over their eyes and show no interest in making their son's situation better. They would be sitting in the room playing and tickling each other rather than hold their son. While they were staying in the hospital the parents of this little boy were smoking weed in the hospital bathroom instead of tending to their child. Luckily this little boy did not end up going home with his parents but taken to child protective services. I couldn't help but cry when Henna was telling me all of this. Why do children come to this earth into the care of parents that aren't competent? Its not fair.

    I began to think of my own children and reflect on if I am providing enough for them. Am I meeting their needs? Am I patient with them? Am I teaching them to be good people? I hope so and if not I know that I am working towards it. They are special to me and deserve the best of everything. I just dont understand how parents dont change their ways after witnessing these children and the light that they have. A light that helps you realize what is important and that is helping maintain that light and teaching them how to share it. But addictions will always win over your loved ones including your children no matter how much you say you love them. Your addictions will hurt them without you realizing. Children need their parents for everything and if we aren't the ones helping they will find it somewhere else outside of your home. 

    Being a parent is a blessing and I hope you dont look at it in any other way. We are given these precious little souls and how we react wether they were planned or not is all on us. It is a shame that some dont react at all and live the same they did before they had children and made no changes to better the environment that they are living in. Being a parent is a blessing because our children are given to us to help us become better and hope that every one of us is  striving to progress and not stay at a stand still, they deserve better then that. 

The Brown Girl

Shower Thoughts

    The other night I was about to take a shower and before I did I had to take a look in the mirror at my new body. As I examined my body there were marks all up along my sides, stomach and thighs. My thighs thicker and my hips wider. I couldn't stand to look any longer so I jumped into the shower. I began to get upset at what my body had become; hideous. My mind started to picture my use-to-be body and how it was free of marks and not so wide set. Before I could start crying I stopped my negative thoughts with a question, "Does the appearance of my body really matter?"

    What do I honor most? Vanity or Humility?

    Henna has really engraved in my brain that someone's aura out weighs their beauty and he's right. The mentality and personality that you have effects so much of what you look like. I know that the women and men I admire are not based on what they look like but who they are and how they live their life. I have to admit that when in high school I was extremely vain and with that came selfishness. All three of my children have really kicked me in the bum. Austyn helped me to grow up in the categories of being responsible and selfless. Payton has given me better understanding of my calling as a woman. For myself it isn't to be in the work field but to be at home with my children teaching them and helping them grow into people that will only contribute positive things to society. Kannon has only solidified what Henna has taught me on physical appearance. All these characteristics are things that I am still working on but without my children and husband my eyes would not have been open.

    Now dont get me wrong its not that I dont want to be at a healthy weight or to look good in a bathing suit I would just rather put more of my time and energy to maximize my calling as a mother and wife. I feel that it is extremely important to be healthy and take care of yourself but if your day or night is being taken up by things that is only helping you then you will only make the next day consist of more things that are about you to satisfy the craving to feel good about yourself. You feel good about yourself when you help someone else feel good about themselves. Now try to understand that I am human and I am not announcing to the world that I am this superstar of a mom and wife because Im not perfect and there are days, more often then not, where I lose sight of who I am trying to be. But I have my children and husband to remind me that it is humility that I honor most. To me it is to be selfless, patient, knowledgeable, humble and diligent in everything.

    In all honesty stretch marks aren't my favorite and I dont think they are for anyone but those markings have meaning. Without them would mean I wouldn't have children. Without them I wouldn't have been able to learn and switch my mindset to something that is worth more then an image in the mirror.

The Brown Girl

Where do I begin?

    Hello everyone! Im so excited and nervous to start this whole blogging thing. I have been meaning to start ever since Henna and I got married and that was over 3 years ago (talk about pushing things off). Well I guess I will start off by introducing my family. Henna and I first met at Southern Utah University. He was on the football team and they were helping the freshmen move into their dorms and it just so happened that Henna was at the right dorm and the right side in order for us to meet.  We dated for a year and were married on May 29, 2011. That December we had a little girl named, Austyn. She has such a bright spirit for a little girl and full of personality. We then had another little girl named, Payton on October 7th of 2013 who is not with us physically but every once in a while I feel her spirit with me. Our third is a little boy and he is brand new to this world. He was born on August 17, 2014 and I thought he would never come.

    Henna and I were living in Cedar City and we semi-recently moved up to Salt Lake City because he started a nursing program. He is currently in school to receive his Associates of Nursing. He is also working as a Patient Care Tech at Primary Children's Hospital and he loves it. I am currently working at McDonough Orthodontics as an Orthodontic Assistant and I love everything about what I do and who I work with. Our end goal is to get in a place financially to where I am able to stay at home with the kids and hold the house down :)

    So that is that! I dont want to give too much a way and bore you to death. But on this blog it's going to be pretty random. Sadly I won't be giving any nutritional, crafting or exercise advice but only my thoughts on things and updates on the fam. Im excited to start this journey and hopefully be able to look back and be happy I did this. Thanks for reading and I'll be typing soon.

xoxo, Brown Girl